cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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