How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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