My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
