doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
