Don't make out with my wife yet
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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