Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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