I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
