I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
