She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
