Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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