I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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