Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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