Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
