I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
