Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
