I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize