i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
