I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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