Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
