I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
