dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize
