Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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