I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
