I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize