The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
