She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize