Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Too much gin, very little bucket
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Sext me about skeletons
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
