So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
