i think my tv is drunk
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
