Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
