dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize