I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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