my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
