Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
