my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
