i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
