I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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