I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
