I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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