She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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