his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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