Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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