Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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