After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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