Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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