I have demons in me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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