is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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