I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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