Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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