First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
