Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
