6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
