I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
