Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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