her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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