Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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