I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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