are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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