so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
