I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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