just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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