i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
